Am I?

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And I wonder why my friends sometimes describe me as a prick.

Names have been changed.

Tim79 (7:26:08 PM): you should start watching The Wire

BennyJammin2K (7:26:12 PM): I have

BennyJammin2K (7:26:15 PM): season 1 all of it

Tim79 (7:26:21 PM): I identify very strongly with McNulty

Tim79 (7:26:43 PM): I definitely get his sort of manic depression

Tim79 (7:26:47 PM): and his egomania

Tim79 (7:27:02 PM): and the whole Rhonda thing

Tim79 (7:27:12 PM): treating her like shit, etc.

Tim79 (7:27:26 PM): and chasing the political consultant even though she sucks

BennyJammin2K (7:27:32 PM): you're mcnulty eh?

Tim79 (7:27:39 PM): well not in every way

BennyJammin2K (7:27:42 PM): oh totally

Tim79 (7:27:43 PM): but that’s fiction for you

Tim79 (7:27:48 PM): dude don’t be a prick

Tim79 (7:28:09 PM): there’s a lot there to identify with, its a very rich character

BennyJammin2K (7:28:19 PM): no seriously, you're a screw-the-system loner in a sea of dishonesty

Tim79 (7:28:34 PM): if you’re serious, then kind of, yeah

BennyJammin2K (7:28:45 PM): and if I'm not?

Tim79 (7:28:49 PM): you wouldn't have to look very hard to find appropriate examples

Tim79 (7:28:59 PM): if you’re not then you’re just being a sarcastic dick for no good reason

BennyJammin2K (7:29:08 PM): no I'm totally serious

Tim79 (7:29:14 PM): i don’t know about the sea of dishonesty part

BennyJammin2K (7:29:27 PM): SEA of dishonesty

Tim79 (7:29:29 PM): but yeah i get burned a lot by assuming that people are more honest than they really are

BennyJammin2K (7:29:35 PM): aWASH with it

Tim79 (7:29:39 PM): fuck off

BennyJammin2K (7:29:51 PM): you're too sensitive

Tim79 (7:29:52 PM): i don’t know why you’re being a prick

Tim79 (7:30:06 PM): because i was trying to have a real conversation

Tim79 (7:30:14 PM): there are some themes in mcnulty that really resonated with me

BennyJammin2K (7:30:26 PM): like deeze nuts?

In My Mind.

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I tend to always be worrying about something in the back of my brain. I can't help it, it's in my wiring. Growing up I got sick a lot, and I think I just got used to something always coming along to ruin my good time. I don't get as sick now as I did then, I don't think, but I can't seem to shake the feeling that I've caused myself to become infected with something, and although I've seen no immediate signs of anything, it's coming and each day It's not here is luck. This is the kind of ramble that goes through my head when it decides it needs to, and I have been ineffective at finding a solution.

I can't quite seem to find the battery behind thoughts like this so as to rip it out. Some part of me thought I would leave this habit in New York, but the brain made the journey with the thoughts stowaway in the back. I'm not surprised that it's happening in Los Angeles, I understand that it's part of my process and I'm getting used to the waves it causes. I think as I get older these waves will morph into more adult versions of themselves, and in a more adult manner, I will continue to try and body-surf them. Ironically the prospect of living with these for the rest of my life doesn't worry me, it's losing my equilibrium when I've learned to ride them that scares me the most.

It can be very frustrating at times because I think I think things are great and for some goddamn reason my super imaginative brain begins clapping and before I know it my good time has changed it's mind and is hard at work mulling over every possible scenario of my mystery condition. And once that switch has been flipped every breath and twitch my body breathes and twitches is a part of my new condition.

I'm being dramatic of course, I am able to speak aloud and operate a car and order Thai food like any other person, it's just then when I must, I do this with Edgar Allen Poe dictating in the back-left corner of my head. Sometimes, when I'm not ready to surf a wave, it hits me off guard and I am sucked into living it's predictions - at these times my frustration with this proclivity is greatest.

I'm not insane, I'm pretty sure, I said to myself. Frankly I'm fascinated by my instinct to grimly narrate my own future, and to date, it hasn't left me pacing around my apartment taking naps between interrogating myself for more than a couple of days on end. But cummon man, I haven't exactly had the most normal of lives, I should feel lucky that this is about as bad as it gets.

Well, not as bad as this new thing I have... That things like real bad.