Insidious made the crap in my pants crap it's pants. Just hit Netflix. My pants that is.

They're letting Casey Anthony adopt a baby. That's like letting OJ do marriage counseling.

BM just had a good one.

A cracked screen is one of the many dangers of practicing unprotected iPhone.

Women should stop calling them boyfriends and start calling them the
end of the conversation.

At the Classy Awards with Jamie Lynn Siegler hosting, nominated for
"Volunteer of the Year." Thank you everyone.

The problem with guys is that after awhile a pile of dirty dishes
looks like a fort.

Just got yelled at for loudly reading the sex quiz in Cosmo on Amtrack.

You know you need to lose weight when your stomach flab becomes a good
iPad stand.

Apples eat credit-cards.

Hey did anyone see the first episode of The Real Housewidows of Beverly Hills?

Where the fuck is Mergatroid?

Microsoft is like the company that owns every nursing home in the country.

The problem with those laser-activated toilets is that a guy can't
stand up and admire his handiwork.

Did you know Elliot Smith left a suicide note? It's called his music.

Los Angeles. Sure the people you don't know suck, but the ones you do
are are pretty cool.

JDate's as barren as the desert they came from.

Holyshit today is Wednesday. I have been operating as if it was Tuesday all
day. Time-travel is forgetfulness.

Here is the link for the VO booth I am selling. The sound-isolation is
incredible : http://ping.fm/0f3Ho

LA peeps - selling my beloved VO booth. Check it out here

IPad on your nuts is still cold.

My 3Gs is slowing down cause it's white, and it's old.

Now THIS person knows how to party.

Self check-out is great when you're only buying lube.

You know you're doing too many drugs if you have to specify "a-cola."

Mary Poppins was one magic-ass nanny.

So talking on a cell phone while driving is illegal but hosting a
gameshow is fine?

I was gonna eat here, but the food's kinda janki...

Back to the gym after a month of Ireland, drinking and indulgence.
This. Is gonna suck.

I'm writing a stoner comedy about a handyman called "High Maintenance".

TODAY IS THE LASY DAY OF VOTING. Please vote for me Volunteer of the Year
for my work making Crohn's Disease funny! VOTE HERE:
http://ping.fm/ChGam

Ending the most amazing two weeks of my young life. On to the next
adventure!

If you have't already please vote me volunteer of the year @ the stay classy
awards. Crohn's can kiss our ass!
http://ping.fm/3j81d

Hey guys I need your vote in the Stay Classy awards - please vote for me
Volunteer of the Year Here : http://ping.fm/rSQ95

After multiple delays, an expired passport, and Mercury
retrograding like a mofo, I am finally on my way to Ireland.

Having been voted HuffPo's #1 influential celebrity with Crohn's pls VOTE me Volunteer of the YEAR for the CCFA here : http://bit.ly/orhPln

Hey guys - check it out - I'm one of HuffPo's 11 celebrities with Crohn's.
Nice.
http://ping.fm/xqnLF

Burbank peeps - I'm at Flappers Comedy Club tonight with Skippy Greene and J
Chris Newberg. 9:30 show. Comedyistic!

http://ping.fm/oneVW voting is open - please vote
me "Volunteer of the Year" on behalf of the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation.
This will be a win for people who'se pooped themselves the world over.

Only at Comic Con...

To anyone attending Comic Con - the western short I did the lead in 6Gun is
screening w. panel tomorrow @ 12:20. Here is the info -
http://ping.fm/fvvRO

I wanna hug the world.

Carmageddon is LA's Y2K.

I think it's fitting that Captain America is a product of steroids.

Toddlers and Tiaras makes a strong case for corporeal punishment.

We're now nationally in 2nd place. I need all my IBD people to click
this link, hit "like" and spit some knowledge about how laughter has
helped you deal. Thkz.
http://ping.fm/qR5dq�pain-in-the-butt�-laughter-can-be-the-cure

They should call that show "Dr. Drew Babysits Assholes".

Please help me win "Volunteer of the Year" on behalf of the Crohn's and
Colitis Foundation of America by clicking the "Like" button on the page this
link leads you to :
http://ping.fm/rd5iD

The man makes a good case : http://ping.fm/bFhFd

"Rough Couple Days" : great name for an indie band.

It did.

It'd be hard for life to get better than it is right now.

Las Vegas. Get. Ready.

VEGAS! I am headlining the South Point Casino benefitting disaster relief in Japan w. Kangan Water. Thurs June 23rd. http://ping.fm/ZJsR5

Quoth my father "You got to have rythmn in the club my man."

My dad on my set : "You're routine needs to be a little funnier, but
the content is good".

Shootin' guns with mi padre.

Went for a drive, wound up in a firing rage in Angeles National Forest.

Uh why? Do you think you gave your mom HIV?

Tomorrow night I'm playing the Hollywood Improv ComedyJuice show @ 10:00 and have free tickets. If you wanna attend email guestlist@comedyjuice.com and mention me!

Hey guys check out my new dance track Bachelor Jam, inspired by an unforgettable night in the woods : http://ping.fm/9RGh0

STAR WARS live at the Hollywood Bowl. Oh HELLS yeah.

Presenting COGNAC CONVERSATIONS with ME, Daryl Wright and Alan Kropf editor
of MUTINEER MAGAZINE. VERY FUNNY :
http://ping.fm/GTrAv

Presenting COGNAC CONVERSATIONS with ME, Daryl Wright and Alan Kropf editor
of MUTINEER MAGAZINE. VERY FUNNY :
http://ping.fm/tWTz3

We all began with a big bang.

Moms like apple.

Tix here - http://ping.fm/lq91c - NYC friends! Come and see me
tonight at Batsu! an insane improvised Japanese gameshow with Face Off
Unlimited. Imma get hit with a paintball gun and I'm cool with that?
8:00 - 15 St. Marks pl $10

Due to unforeseen circumstances tomorrow night's NYC performance of Pain in the Butt has been postponed! Very sorry for the inconvenience, stay tuned for further info.

New York City friends - please don't miss my acclaimed One Man Show
Pain in the Butt this Saturday night! http://ping.fm/YIGIU
has the deets.

Pain in the butt NYC is this Saturday Night - for tickets and info go to
http://ping.fm/RjnFW

Who is this artist? Spotted on Fairfax and Drexel, WeHo area.

Pain in the Butt is TONIGHT! Come celebrate world IBD day with me and the
CCFA at the legendary Hollywood Improv. This is going to be such an amazing
night!

Pain in the Butt is tomorrow night benefitting the CCFA. Chelsea Latley's
Ben Gleib and Dan Levy just added! Details @ http://ping.fm/GGE3K

Check out my interview on NPR's Pat Morrison HERE -
http://ping.fm/6qPzR

Pain in the Butt at the Hollywood Improv has just added comedians Dan Levy
and Ben Gleib for pre-show entertainment. Don't miss this amazing night!
http://ping.fm/66g3q

Check out my interview about Thursday's Pain in the Butt on NPR's Pat Morrison HERE - http://ping.fm/01C2d

I'm on NPR with Pat Morrison live talking about Thursday's performance
of Pain in the Butt in 5 minutes! Listen here

I'm on NPR with Pat Morrison live talking about Thursday's performance
of Pain in the Butt in 5 minutes! Listen here

Listen to me LIVE on NPR at 2:40 pacific at THIS LINK

Listen to me interviewed live by Pat Morrison at 2:40 on 89.3 KPCC today!

Time slows down, when you frown.

Pain in the Butt benefiting CCFA LA's Take Steps Walk @ the Hollywood Improv
is this Thursday! This is one of the best things I've ever done. RSVP =
http://ping.fm/bLyzZ

Tommorrow @ 2:40 PM I will be doing a one-on-one interview live with 89.3
KPCC'S Pat Morrison about Thursday's upcoming performance of Pain in the
Butt (TIX = http://ping.fm/vFqo6)!

All the info for the upcoming performances of Pain in the Butt (Thursday May
19th in LA and Saturday May 28th in NYC) is now on my website @
http://ping.fm/Q8a1Q

Sometimes I only shave half of my face (pic).

Am I the only one who thinks this Army Wife looks like an Army Husband?

My Crohn's-tastic one-man-show Pain in the Butt is Thursday May 19th @ the
Hollywood Improv. Benefitting the CCFA!

Mariachi band is the best way to walk into gym.

Announcing Pain in the Butt benefitting the CCFA Thursday May 19th @ the
Hollywood Improv! Check the flyer for deets!

At the CCFA's Women of Distinction Luncheon. Surrounded by distinct women.

I just heard a blues song called "Baby Your Girlfriend, She Txts Me All The
Time".

Greetings from New Orleans.

Find love everywhere.

This baby looks sinister.

One man's trash is another man's treasure, and I got lots of treasure
hunters outside my window.

I present to you, "The Magical Mitzvah Park". Happy Passover.

These kids are not fast.

No libraries will be on drugs here.

Sunset in the desert.

Terrakroma full moon festival.

At her retirement party my mom just received a plaque signed by the
governor of Massachusetts for her 40 years revolutionizing the public
housing program in the state. I LOVE YOU MOM!!!!

One must always...

No pressure or anything...

...for anorexia...

And I would walk one hundred and eleven thousand one hundred eleven
miles and I would walk one hundred and eleven thousand one hundred
eleven more just to be the man who walks one hundred and eleven
thousand one hundred eleven miles and falls down at your door.

Think you're missing an "L" there...

Is it me or is this gentleman missing something?

Nothings forever, even things that are forever.

Crohn's check-up day baby! Apparently I have amazing veins. I'd be a
fantastic junkie.

Add more beauty to your life.

When I was young 'following' someone meant you were stalkin' em!

You know you've made it when you order cocaine by the bottle.

Anything that you lost while high might actually still be in your sock drawer.

Someone got an iPad 2. And that someone is very happy about this.

We got so much food we got shows about dudes doing battle with it.

Apparently slippery floors give you jazz hands.

Tuesday night I'm @ the Ontario CA Improv with Richmond's House of Comedy.
Click the link for tix and info. Werd.

I don't know who this guy is, but I know I like him.

Got free tickets to see me, Bryan Callen, Adam Hunter and The Greg Wilson @
Sals' tonight, 8:30 show. Say my name @ the door for a comp.

Charles Dickens would have been a great porn name.

Friends please give a watch to my show SIGNS, funny photos = funny comedy.
http://ping.fm/QDfc8

Holy spit! Hit "T" in Google street view to pop it into 3D mode!

Little girl in white in hotel corridor. Extremely funny :
http://ping.fm/BgZNJ

The Xzibit Exhibit : http://ping.fm/vbSPM

Charlie Sheen is the likable Mel Gibson.

Apparently wet floors give you jazz-hands. http://ping.fm/KeNPn

Pain in the Butt is coming to Sanata Barbara this weekend! Friday / Saturday nights - check out http://bit.ly/hXAbcc